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It's up to me to make myself laugh now. Others can only do it when they have me fooled into thinking that they wrote my scripts. An experiment backfired today when a giant magnet meant to hold our moon more securely in orbit was accidentally turned on the space station. Officials are optimistic about the loss, saying we needed a new space station anyway. In other space news, a satellite has detected what physicists believe may be the entrance to a wormhole offering instant access to distant corners of our galaxy. It is located approximately seven and a half million light-years from Earth. The deputy minister of housing says that there may soon be an end to the lingering housing shortage. Once the poor have died from overcrowding, a sufficient number of vacancies are expected to arise. Holocaust deniers have received an unlikely rebuke from the memoirs of a former SS guard. The diary of Walter Groen, who prospered after the war, eventually rising to the position of corporate judge, holds a bitter complaint that the low figures quoted by such deniers are an insult to the efficiency of the SS. And an investigation into the recent outbreak of food fights in school cafeterias has failed to produce any answers. Security has been boosted to control the problem, with lunch boxes searched and all menu items but popcorn eliminated until further notice. |
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| © 2018. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Friday, March 16, 2018
Newsbreak: March 16, 2018
Friday, December 15, 2017
Newsbreak: December 15, 2017
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Just saying hello in my own peculiar way. I wonder how much money those stars made with DVD's of my comedy sold as Christmas gifts. I'm still waiting for my royalties. Season's greetings from the newsroom. As we prepare to meet another atheist foe in battle, let's not forget who's guarding the precious right to tell confusing fibs to small children at Christmastime. A meteor collision destroyed several million square miles of the Canadian Arctic this morning. Aside from a family of hibernating polar bears, there were no significant casualties. A climatologist says not to worry too much about greenhouse gas emissions. According to him, global warming has thus far kept a comfortable pace with the creeping advance of the next ice age. The government is seeking a compromise in the disposal of highly toxic waste, saying underground burial is acceptable as long as it is done with careful attention to controlling the spread of earwigs. And the late Richard Glock has established himself as the greatest lone mass murderer in history, overtaking his predecessor by the employment of remote control turrets positioned to impose a triangulating crossfire on his unsuspecting crowd of victims. Let's see how long he lasts. |
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| © 2007, 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, September 30, 2017
It's the Grand Pumpkin, Milhouse
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Is someone calling me a hack again? Are comedians still plagiarizing me and then calling me a hack? This world must be some kind of hell for artists. I practice my music since I want to be a musician and I only share my comedy now to let people know the truth. Given how it was treated, it's not very funny anymore. I have shared most of my comedy inadvertently over the last eight years, but this script was spurred by seeing how it was plagiarized by the Simpsons. People should know that I am its true author. I wrote it in 2007 when I was still a Simpsons fan. So here it is again. That prayer is a classic. (Simpsons' living room) Milhouse: (Clutching blanket) I like your witch costume, Lisa. Lisa: I'm not a witch, I'm a wicken. Why is it that when a woman is confident and powerful, they call her a witch? Flugel Horn: Toot Toot Lisa: What did you say, mom? Marge: Nothing. I'm practicing my trombone. So what are you wearing to the Halloween party, Milhouse? Milhouse: I'm not going to the party, I'm going to the pumpkin patch to wait for the Grand Pumpkin. Lisa: What's the Grand Pumpkin? Milhouse: Every Halloween the Grand Pumpkin visits all the pumpkin patches in the world and brings candy to kids who truly believe. Bart: (dressed as Charlie Brown) Milhouse, for the last time, I made that up to mess with you. Milhouse: I appreciate you testing my faith, Bart, but it's not necessary. I believe in the grand pumpkin Almighty gourd Who was crustified over a punctured pie plate And ascended into oven He will come again to judge the filling and the bread (The pumpkin patch. A solitary Milhouse is approached by his young peers.) Milhouse: You've all come to wait for the Grand Pumpkin with me! Bully1: (Following through with violence) I've got a carol for you: You are such a stupid moron It makes people want to punch you... (Derisive laughter supports Milhouse's wedgie.) Ralph: (dressed as Pigpen) Your God is wrong. Bully2: Let's get to the party before the Granny Smiths are all bobbed out. Bart: (to Lisa) You coming? Lisa: I think I'll stay with Milhouse. His glasses fog up when he cries. (Lisa falls asleep in Milhouse's blanket.) Milhouse: Lisa! Lisa! Wake up! the grand pumpkin is here! Lisa: The grand pumpkin is here? Milhouse: No, I'm rehearsing what I'm going to say when he shows up. Lisa: (sending Milhouse tumbling backwards) YOU OWE ME RESTITUTION! (Exit Lisa.) Milhouse: (alone and crying) Grand Pumpkin, I know you're real. Why won't you show yourself? (His tears land on a pumpkin and bring it to life, causing it to swell to enormous size.) Grand Pumpkin: Happy Halloween! Milhouse: Grand Pumpkin! You are real! Grand Pumpkin: That's right, Milhouse, your childlike belief has brought me to life. Milhouse: I knew you'd come! I even baked you a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread. Grand Pumpkin: How delightful, bread made especially for pumpkins. (He pops it into his mouth with a leafy hand.) Milhouse: Actually, it's made from pumpkins. Grand Pumpkin: Wha-? (He turns and vomits in disgust.) REVENGE! (Milhouse flees in the direction of Springfield Elementary School, passing the Simpsons residence on the way. Homer sits outdoors on his front steps, carving jack-o-lanterns, which catches the Grand Pumpkin's attention.) Homer: (holding knife and talking to a pumpkin as the Grand Pumpkin peeks around the corner behind him) I'm gonna give you cross eyes like you might see on an idiot, a stupid triangle nose, and a big mouth full of the ugliest shaped teeth there are: square! And I'm gonna make your friends watch. Grand Pumpkin: NO! (The Grand Pumpkin moves in and swallows the offender.) Good evening, ladies. (Springfield Elementary School. The children dance to piano jazz. Enter Milhouse with trailing blanket.) Milhouse: (After cutting music) Everybody listen! The grand pumpkin is real! Krabopple: Hey! No hard sole shoes! Grand Pumpkin: (Smashing through wall) Oh God! Everywhere I look I see pumpkin atrocities! Willie: (holding tray) Care for a pumpkin seed? Grand Pumpkin: You roast the unborn? (Willie is swallowed. G.P. moves aggressively towards a table of jack-o-lanterns. Caught in his path, Bully1 grabs a pumpkin and holds it hostage with a knife.) Bully1: Touch me and I'll cut your friend. Grand Pumpkin: What do I care? That's a yellow pumpkin. Bully1: You're a racist! Grand Pumpkin: All pumpkins are racists. The difference is I admit it. (He swallows the bully.) Bully1: (Muffled) I'd rather die than hate! Milhouse: This is all my fault! The grand pumpkin said my childlike belief is what made him come to life. Lisa: Belief, eh? Hmmm. Say, Milhouse, have you by any chance ever heard of Tom Turkey? Milhouse: No, who is he and what's his origin story? Lisa: Uh, well Tom is a magical turkey who gave the Pilgrims the technology to put buckles on their hats. Now he appears every Thanksgiving to children who believe. Milhouse: Sounds plausible. (Praying) Tom Turkey, help me. I believe in you. (A giant turkey in seventeenth century attire blasts through the wall with a shot from his blunderbuss.) Turkey: HALT, yon Pumpkin most succulent and plump, I be Tom Turkey! Grand Pumpkin: A giant talking turkey? Preposterous! Turkey: Prepare for the Almighty's judgement, thou stinking fruit of rotted vine! (He splits the pumpkin at point blank range, freeing the three swallowed captives.) Homer: I can't live on the outside! (He jumps back in and clings to the lining.) Lisa: Milhouse, your childlike innocence saved us all! Mister Turkey, how can we repay you? Milhouse: How about a Thanksgiving feast? You can carve the turkey. Tom Turkey: (repulsed) You eat turkeys? Bart: Yeah, it's delicious! Especially when we take stuffing and shove it up the turkey's - (Lisa puts her hand over his mouth.) Tom Turkey: REVENGE! (Silhouettes through the school window show Tom Turkey chasing and eating the children. Marge stands in foreground with flugelhorn.) Marge: Looks like those kids found the true spirit of Halloween - or Thanksgiving. And for those of you who feel like we've trampled on a beloved children's classic, I encourage you to write to the following address. (She toots the horn.) |
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| © 2007, 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Wally the Street Squirrel/Episode 10/Rural Roots
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| © 2017. Words and images by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Friday, June 2, 2017
Wally the Street Squirrel/Episode 9/Hotel Life
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| © 2017. Words and images by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Wally the Street Squirrel/Episode 8/Charles the Gull
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| © 2017. Words and images by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Friday, May 26, 2017
Wally the Street (Smart) Squirrel/Episode 7/Growing Up Fast
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| © 2017. Words and images by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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