Newsbreak: March 16, 2018

It's up to me to make myself laugh now. Others can only do it when they have me fooled into thinking that they wrote my scripts. An experiment backfired today when a giant magnet meant to hold our moon more securely in orbit was accidentally turned on the space station. Officials are optimistic about the loss, saying we needed a new space station anyway. In other space news, a satellite has detected what physicists believe may be the entrance to a wormhole offering instant access to distant corners of our galaxy. It is located approximately seven and a half million light-years from Earth. The deputy minister of housing says that there may soon be an end to the lingering housing shortage. Once the poor have died from overcrowding, a sufficient number of vacancies are expected to arise. Holocaust deniers have received an unlikely rebuke from the memoirs of a former SS guard. The diary of Walter Groen, who prospered after the war, eventually rising to the position of corporate judge, holds a bitter complaint that the low figures quoted by such deniers are an insult to the efficiency of the SS. And an investigation into the recent outbreak of food fights in school cafeterias has failed to produce any answers. Security has been boosted to control the problem, with lunch boxes searched and all menu items but popcorn eliminated until further notice.
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© 2018. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.