We're All Dying

Friday, May 26, 2017

Wally the Street (Smart) Squirrel/Episode 7/Growing Up Fast

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Wally the Street Squirrel/Episode 6/Altered Fates

This is one of the cartoons I've been doing at home. At least I hope the younger ones missed the TV broadcasts.

3:00 pm It is getting harder and harder to edit my image here because the link pastes over dozens of lines of my page code. Anyway, I cleaned off that confusing mark in the text box. Sorry for missing it on the first post.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Wally the Street Squirrel/Episode 5/Rapid Head Movement

I still have a few more ideas for this character.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Wally the Street Squirrel/Episode 4/Wally and the Bandits

Here's another Wally. Looks like another reconstructed one. I still like drawing it because it lets me work on animals. I work hard on these cartoons so anyone who steals them is a total stinker who deserves no pity when he's caught. As for me, when I close my eyes to sleep, all I see are couples.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Boob Tube Brain

Ten-year-old Milton Dunsmuir loved watching television.

(A living room. Expressionless, Milton watches a TV program as his teen-aged brother Morton stands on the perimeter.)

Morton: Didn't you already see that one?

Milton: Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention.

His unorthodox curriculum developed new areas of his brain.

(The living room. Expressionless, the Dunsmuir brothers sit on the couch and watch a TV program.)

Morton: Darn! Why do they always cut it off in the middle of a good scene like that?

Milton: Gee but I love my ... G-W-G's ...

Morton: What the hell?

TV: And now for a word from our sponsor... Gee but I love my...

During a crisis, his power was undeniable.

(Expressionless, Milton watches TV with Morton and Morton's friend when the power goes out.)

Friend: Aw! Right before the climax!

Morton: Don't worry about it. Milton, you're up!

Milton: (having taken position in front of the set with a flashlight in his face) Holy vats filled with sulfuric acid, Batman! How are we gonna get out of this one? (The others sigh with relief.) Don't worry, Robin. As usual, they forgot to strip us of our utility belts. Did you remember to pack your bat trampoline?

The coma must go on with Milton Dunsmuir, the Boob Tube Brain.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Inside Scoop

Today we're going to talk about how to make it big in show business. Ever since the internet came along, there has been growing confusion about this. Those web stars are not rich enough to trust with information on this topic. We have all the money and you should reject them and only heed our advice if you want to be successful.

We know that many of you want to be stars so you can have power and money and be able to impress your friends, but you may think you lack sufficient talent. You should know that talent is the last thing that concerns us when we look for someone to fill a spot in our broadcasting schedule. We abandoned talent a long time ago because artists cause too many complications by being too focused on the quality of their work, rather than on profits. An artist will reject his hit song if he thinks it's substandard but people with no talent will perform anything. We find the untalented much easier to work with, so if you have no talent, consider it an asset.

Image is paramount. We need our stars to conform to a common image which fits neatly into the trends of the moment. Right now, for instance, we want men to shave their heads like psychiatric patients. It's the hip new look and our way of bidding goodbye to the rebellious 1970's forever. Aside from that, a youthful image is always best because we target the youth population with our broadcasts and we want to look like we are appealing to them from within their own ranks, even though most of us are middle aged parents. If you are over twenty-five, forget it, we can't help you: you're too old. Just hang up that guitar and don't bother sharing anything new. If you do, we'll only steal it and give it to someone younger, who better fits this important image requirement for new stars. On the other hand, old stars can afford plastic surgery.

Do you have an opinion? Do you feel strongly about certain issues? Keep it to yourself. It only separates you from the mainstream consumers who might otherwise spend their money on you. We find that people of low or mediocre intelligence do this naturally while those with above average intelligence have problems with it. Most of our stars don't have IQ's too far over 100 for that reason. So if you're not that bright but you're good at oral reading, here's a chance for you to get revenge on those teachers of yours for holding your denseness against you. You can be like that glorious U.S. president who boasted of his scholastic C average after he got elected.

That takes us to our last and most important condition for stardom, dishonesty. Are you willing to lie for us? People trust stars more than they trust politicians, so we can't afford to put anyone in the limelight who won't toe the mass manipulating line with us and support our lies when we broadcast them to the world. We think this is only fair. After all, if you don't want to lie for us, why should we tell everyone that you're talented and substantial and intelligent and honest when we know that the opposite is true?

So that's our Inside Scoop for today. And as they say in show biz, 'break an egg!'

Friday, May 12, 2017

Light of Truth

Good day, my brothers and sisters, and welcome to another illuminating broadcast of Light of Truth. I'm Barry Caldwell.

How do we validate gospel truth? We do so by a somewhat intuitive process that flies in the face of the empirical one favored by our courts of justice. This is because God has His own way of thinking and tends to act outside the confines of our puny logic. Take the Holy Trinity, for example. It consists of three distinctly separate persons of God which together make One person. To us, three and one are separate numbers, but to God, they are the same. As rational beings, our first impulse may be to reject this as pure nonsense, but let's not forget Who invented the universe and everything in it. If the One who created mathematics says three is one, who are we to argue with Him?

How does God impart His Word? Here again we see a contradiction of our conventional methods of mass communications. God only reveals Himself to isolated individuals. Moses was all alone on that mountain when he received the ten commandments around which all our laws have since been structured. Aside from his oddly shining countenance, his fellow Israelites had no way of telling that he'd had direct contact with the Almighty. And whence did Christ gain His miraculous insights but from a solitary stay in the harsh desert? Our ancient forbears were less skeptical about holy encounters because they had less science and more magic back in their time. When they saw a hermit returning from a mountain or a desert with far-fetched tales of providential encounters, they believed him - especially since no such thing ever happened in front of a crowd.

How do we summarize this? Very simply, when the answer to a question poses an even greater riddle, we rely on faith to fill in the blanks for us, and it is by this faith that we may ultimately be saved. And that's it for today's Light of Truth. I hope you won't let the power of darkness overtake you too much this Friday evening. Until our next broadcast, I'm Barry Caldwell saying, don't forget: the less sense it makes to us, the more sense it makes to God.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Trust Fund Tracy

Tracy always had the money.

(A street corner. A car pulls over for a familiar pedestrian.)

Driver: Hey, Tracy, want to go for a drive downtown?

Tracy: That sounds like a nice idea.

Driver: Great! Hop in! (She takes the passenger seat.) I'm a little low on gas, though...

Tracy: (rolling eyes) That's all right, I can take care of it.

She offered her friends every convenience.

(Tracy's dorm. She sits at a table with friends when one of them gets up to leave.)

Friend: Does anyone want anything from the corner store?

Tracy: I'm fine, thanks.

Friend: Are you sure you couldn't use a snack? Maybe chips and pop or something? (The suggestion is eagerly supported by the others.)

Tracy: Well, if you all want it, I guess I can join you.

Friend: (checking purse) Oh oh, looks like I'm a little short...

Tracy: (rolling eyes and sighing) That's all right, I can take care of it.

But deep down, she longed to be delivered from her condition.

(Tracy chats with Stacy by the front door.)

Stacy: (holding magazine open for Tracy) It's this one here. Isn't it great?

Tracy: Yes, it's very nice. I wouldn't mind one of those, myself.

Stacy: You can use mine whenever you like.

Tracy: I can? Why, thank you, Stacy! That means a lot to me.

Stacy: Don't mention it. Friends help each other out, right? Well, I better get to my yoga class. See you later.

Tracy: Bye. (Exit Stacy. Tracy is about to turn for the stairs when she is summoned back to answer a knock on the door.) Yes?

Courier: I have a COD parcel for someone named Stacy at this address...

Finding her trust put to the test, she's Trust Fund Tracy!

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Twitocracy

Oh, did you come to enjoy my new comedy post after you finished voting for Christy Clark so I can suffer more while I try to save my own money to play my music after your broadcasters made millions from stealing my posts and refuse to pay me? Yeah, enjoy. This is called real love, the kind of love that hurts to give.

Host: It's time to discuss the important issues of the day on Twitocracy. With us in the studio are the two major contenders for the presidency. They have sharply opposing differences on how to deal with the problems of street crime, media corruption, and anti-war protests. Let's start with Elmer Finch, who represents the Christian Fascists. Mister Finch, you have the floor.

Finch: Thank you. I try not to use too much gas when I'm barbecuing hot dogs. The flames rise too high and end up overcooking them. When I eat a hot dog, I want it to taste like meat, not like a piece of charcoal. Also, I think it's a good idea to wear an apron for this chore. The juices can fly up and stain your shirt if you're not careful.

Host: I see. Is that all you have to say? You still have several minutes of airtime.

Finch: Only that I think we need to take life one day at a time.

Host: Fine. That takes us over to Felix Shicklegruber of the Liberal Communists. Mister Shicklegruber, I have a feeling you disagree with Mister Finch's position.

Shicklegruber: You're darn tootin'! I've been over and over this again with my opponent in the house: barbecues need gas. The coals don't get hot enough unless you pour on the gas. I used to be like my opponent, skimping on the gas when everyone around me was counting on a well cooked dog. I thought I was being efficient when I was only being cheap. Then my neighbor's toddler got worms. The doctor said it was from chewing a wad of gum that he found on the lawn, but I knew better. And if we all follow Mister Finch's policy now, we're all going to get worms!

Finch: How dare you!

Shicklegruber: I'm only speaking from experience.

Finch: You couldn't barbecue your way out of a famine with those chicken wieners you buy! Or are they plastic?

Shicklegruber: You want to insult my wieners? Well, I heard that your wurst is the worst.

Finch: (breaking in) Your barbecue looks like it hasn't been cleaned since the bronze age!

Shicklegruber: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please restrain yourselves. I know you feel passionate about the issues but we accomplish nothing here when you both speak at the same time.

(to be continued?)

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Time Portal/Colonization's Culprits

Who was really behind global European colonization? Can we fairly blame this on the white man alone? What would our time portal show us if it let us peer into the homes of some of Europe's most outstanding historical figures?

(13th century Marco Polo's house.)

Polo: (entering) Honey, I'm home!

Polo's wife: What did you bring me?

Polo: Check this out. (He dumps a pile of jewelry on the table.)

Polo's wife: Wow! Those Chinese are loaded! You have to go back there.

Polo: But I just got home!

Polo's wife: You heard me.

(16th century Hernando Cortez's house.)

Cortez: I've never seen so much gold in my life. We had to reinforce the hull of our galleon or we would have sunk before we even cleared the harbor.

Cortez's wife: When are you going back?

Cortez: Why? They're a peace loving people and they've already been extremely generous.

Cortez's wife: Do you mean to tell me that you're just going to sit there and do nothing while a peace loving people prances around with all that fabulous wealth? What kind of man are you?

(17th century Henry Morgan's house.)

Morgan: (opening a treasure chest) Look, darling, now we can afford to send Junior to a good college.

Morgan's wife: Ingots? Is that the best you can do? I heard that Francis Drake is handing out solid gold bars...

Monday, May 8, 2017

Consumer Insight/Just Ask Why

This may have been sparked by a perceived challenge to my firm conviction that music fans prefer musicians who make music over musicians who make money and by the ongoing problem of violence in my personal environment.

Welcome, conscientious citizens. It's time for another enlightening installment of Consumer Insight, where we share the kind of information that could destroy our full-of-shit economy. Today our focus will be on television news, a commercial product like any other, which many mistake for a reliable information source.

Because you are probably tired from working all day by the time you get in front of your TV to watch the news, you may be incapable of putting the extra effort into analyzing the reports which are being spoon fed to you. The networks count on this and typically present their news in a form that falls short of telling the whole story, quite often with the effect of steering you away from the appropriate reaction. You may still gather truth from these reports, as long as you are distrustful enough to ask the question, why?.

Let's consider a news report of a company which boasts profits. Why are they boasting? Boasting smacks of insecurity. A rich man doesn't need to boast of his success unless it has come into question. So a news report which boasts of a company's profits may actually be telling you the very opposite, that the company is losing money and possibly even on the verge of bankruptcy, as was the case with the media supported ENRON.

Is a protest receiving attention? How many millions marched against the last war and were dismissed by the media? That's what happens when a protest disagrees with the establishment. So why would a protest be receiving attention now? Why, because it agrees with the designs of the establishment! If the establishment wants to stop spending money on expensive jails, for instance, and dump violent criminals on the poor and unemployed to scare workers into keeping their jobs, then a protest which champions the human rights of inmates will receive media support to make such a move look popular.

Is a foreign country flexing its military muscles in the news? Is it being depicted as a threat to world peace? Why? The answer to that is fairly obvious, it is shown as a threat to world peace in order to justify its military invasion by our armed forces. In all fairness, however, the establishment knows more than we do on these matters, and if they want to go to war, they likely have good reasons for it, just not quite the same reasons which are handed down to us through their news broadcasts.

That's all for Consumer Insight this time. Edgar Kreskin Junior is away at the psychic's convention and will return to this time slot by next week. Thank you for your attention and don't ask why we must invent fictitious sponsors for this program.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Thelma Addison's Confusion/Smart Dining

Welcome back to Thelma Addison's Confusion, where we encourage people to laugh at life. I'm Thelma Addison.

I learned something new the other day while I was having lunch with a friend, smoking up is more effective after a meal than it is before. If you eat after smoking up, the food thickens your blood and makes you come down, but if you wait until you finish eating, the THC mixes with the food that's already there to make you more intoxicated.

It reminded me of when I first started toking and I would puff and puff but I couldn't get high. I must have been too well nourished. Now that I think of it, my first genuine buzz hit me around the time of my first diet. Somehow I managed to put on five pounds in one night by eating nothing but fat free potato chips and washing them down with ginseng tea. So if you're a new user who's having trouble like that, try starving a bit.

Of course, smoking harms your lungs and you always have the option of eating the stuff. You won't get high as fast but your trip will last a lot longer. The only problem with this method is that you can never quite satisfy your appetite. In fact, the more you eat, the hungrier you get, which may lead to an overdose. You don't want to OD on marijuana; you can't sleep because you keep seeing cartoons in your head that wake you up laughing and it can last for as long as two days.

Most people are in a hurry to get high and prefer the smoking method. The ones who prefer to wait for their payoff run the risk of falling into the trap of alcoholism. Marijuana is a gateway drug to alcohol in this respect and you must be very careful with it.

Well, I can feel my brain shifting over to another thought completely at random so I guess I used up my five minutes with this thought. For Thelma Addison's Confusion, I'm Thelma Addison saying, the lower your lot, the more you'd love pot.