Inside Scoop

Today we're going to talk about how to make it big in show business. Ever since the internet came along, there has been growing confusion about this. Those web stars are not rich enough to trust with information on this topic. We have all the money and you should reject them and only heed our advice if you want to be successful. We know that many of you want to be stars so you can have power and money and be able to impress your friends, but you may think you lack sufficient talent. You should know that talent is the last thing that concerns us when we look for someone to fill a spot in our broadcasting schedule. We abandoned talent a long time ago because artists cause too many complications by being too focused on the quality of their work, rather than on profits. An artist will reject his hit song if he thinks it's substandard but people with no talent will perform anything. We find the untalented much easier to work with, so if you have no talent, consider it an asset. Image is paramount. We need our stars to conform to a common image which fits neatly into the trends of the moment. Right now, for instance, we want men to shave their heads like psychiatric patients. It's the hip new look and our way of bidding goodbye to the rebellious 1970's forever. Aside from that, a youthful image is always best because we target the youth population with our broadcasts and we want to look like we are appealing to them from within their own ranks, even though most of us are middle aged parents. If you are over twenty-five, forget it, we can't help you: you're too old. Just hang up that guitar and don't bother sharing anything new. If you do, we'll only steal it and give it to someone younger, who better fits this important image requirement for new stars. On the other hand, old stars can afford plastic surgery. Do you have an opinion? Do you feel strongly about certain issues? Keep it to yourself. It only separates you from the mainstream consumers who might otherwise spend their money on you. We find that people of low or mediocre intelligence do this naturally while those with above average intelligence have problems with it. Most of our stars don't have IQ's too far over 100 for that reason. So if you're not that bright but you're good at oral reading, here's a chance for you to get revenge on those teachers of yours for holding your denseness against you. You can be like that glorious U.S. president who boasted of his scholastic C average after he got elected. That takes us to our last and most important condition for stardom, dishonesty. Are you willing to lie for us? People trust stars more than they trust politicians, so we can't afford to put anyone in the limelight who won't toe the mass manipulating line with us and support our lies when we broadcast them to the world. We think this is only fair. After all, if you don't want to lie for us, why should we tell everyone that you're talented and substantial and intelligent and honest when we know that the opposite is true? So that's our Inside Scoop for today. And as they say in show biz, 'break an egg!'
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