Fan Mail

I guess it's up to me to share my fan mail with my readers here or they'd never know I had fans without being able to watch my life unfold on NBC behind my back over the course of two solid years. Since the web seems to be stingy about letting anyone view my fan response online in my region, I must get my cousin working at the Canadian embassy in Timbuktu to gather my fan mail for me from there. Here are a few letters from the last batch he sent me. Dear Dave, Thank you for posting Denial Moves. My toddler can be very hyperactive and letting him dance along to your video really helped me to get him under control. I don't know how I would raise my child without you. Workin' Mom Dear Dave, Ever since the accident I've been trying to get my life back together. The doctor told me I'd never walk again but when I heard your voice singing Tinsel Heaven I stood up on my own power for the first time in eight years. God bless you. Miracle Believer Dear Dave, Your documentary about Pender Street may have saved my life. I am a recently arrived drug addict to your city from another province. The other day I got lost trying to find Insite but your documentary about Pender Street led me straight there. Thank you for saving me from a potential death by accidental overdose. Anonymous Thank you for your generous praise and I hope this helps my local fans to feel more comfortable about expressing their support.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Sharp Recollection

I wonder if anyone noticed the razor wire strung along the top of the fence behind me in this video. I like it because it reminds me of my trip to Europe when I ran out of money. I planned to just sit tight and wait for my government to rescue me but one of the other prisoners wanted to me to help him break out. He planned the escape well, bribing the guards with money and the dogs with biscuits. When we got to the fence we saw that it was electrified. It took a while to find the socket it was plugged into because the Germans had cleverly buried it in the ground, but it still came out with a good yank. The barbed wire was easy to climb on but I almost ended up shredding my trousers on the razor wire. Once outside, we both ran in different directions to make our getaway. I disguised myself as a cartoonist and built up a portfolio to help me get past the border guards. But when I got to the border and showed them my cartoons they wouldn't believe it was my work. Luckily, right at that moment I sneezed and a mucus bubble came out of my nose. I tried to burst it by blasting more air into it from my nostril but that just made it grow larger and larger until it threatened to pull me off the ground. One of the guards had to shoot it. After that they believed me.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Shirley Sureloins (Theatre of the Ribald)

We never needed Saturday Night Live to spoon feed this joke to us from the TV. It did not improve your life one bit but it improved their lives immensely. (I changed this character's first name last night to pair it off with her last name. I'll move it in the scripts index accordingly.) Shirley Sureloins was a shoplifter with a diabolical command of illusion. (A music store. Exit Sureloins in a dress.) Salesman: Hey, where did that microphone go? Shoplifting was the only way she could support her gambling addiction. (A casino poker game.) Dealer: (to Sureloins) I don't know how you keep your pile of chips so high when you lose so many hands. It was inevitable that her intimate secret would interfere with her relationships. (Sureloins with her boyfriend in bed.) Boyfriend: (Struggling) There's something in the way. Wait a minute. (He reaches under the blankets and pulls out a roll of quarters.) Look at that! Cha-ching! I guess it's my lucky day! Sureloins: Hand it over. Boyfriend: Why? I found it! (They fight.) The lines of ownership are sure to be blurred by Shirley Sureloins, tonight on Theatre of the Ribald.
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© 2007, 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Literary Pulse

(This installment of We're All Dying is brought to you by Strong-Arm Redistribution: Don't fuck with us.) Some of the most exciting new ideas for the stage and screen have come from the pen of our guest, Mitchell Mishougina. He thinks that the real story of how he came up with his scripts is just as thrilling as his content and has compiled his most memorable moments as an author into what promises to be a blockbuster movie. And it's about time we included the author in a production. Yes, we authors are often concerned about keeping the content realistic. In my movie there are no special effects, just the stark reality of my life. I understand you brought along some clips of action scenes. Why don't we take a look at them? Now here's you typing something into a computer. It looks like you're taking dictation. Actually, I'm watching a golf game and typing it out in my own words in real time. What else do you have? There's you in front of your monitor but you're not typing. This is one of the suspense scenes where I'm trying to think of a rhyme for a verse. In a few minutes I'll open up my thesaurus and discover the word 'flinders'. Are there any scenes of you away from your computer? No, but I open a box of Arrowroot cookies just before the climax. Aren't you afraid of leaving movie goers under-stimulated? Not at all. If they need more, they can read the book.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Here's Their Monster

This shows the kind of harmless person who ends up getting pounced on by predators on the web. What did they call me again? Hitler or something? I'm glad I still haven't killed myself like the broadcasters want so I can keep sharing my side of the story and you can hear the truth about me. The truth is that I thought of new things and shared them on web. And then I wasn't allowed to say they were mine because all the rich predators wanted them. I would have been better off all this time if I had kept my work to myself instead of sharing it on the web. Nothing good can happen with so many jealous rich stars in the way.
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Denial Moves

See 'Hip Moves' in my Scripts index for more like this.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Psychology of Skit

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Social Housing

Tonight on Social Housing, veteran tenant Larry meets his new housemate. (A kitchen. The new tenant stands over a boiling pot. Enter Larry.) Larry: You must be the new number 22. I'm Larry. New Tenant: I'm Christ. Larry: That's your real name? New Tenant: My parents were Satanists. Larry: Oh. Well, if you live up to your name, you'll be a relief from your predecessor here. New Tenant: (Preoccupied with his chore) Bad? Larry: Terrible! The guy was cooking drugs all the time, setting off the fire alarm and shorting out the power supply. New Tenant: Those drug fiends are out of control. It's time for radical action. Larry: I agree. (Sniffing) What's that, liver and onions? New Tenant: Mustard gas. (Fire alarm rings.) The struggle to find the right chemistry continues tonight on Social Housing.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

JAWS Brand Childproof Gun Cabinets

We never needed the TV to steal this commercial and spoon feed it back to us as though it were their own work. We have brains that let us imagine characters in our heads when we read about them on a page of text. Father: (checking empty cabinet) Honey, did you borrow my gun? Mother: No, why, can't you find it? Father: Where's Stevie? Mother: In his playpen. (They rush to the child and find him putting the barrel of the pistol in his mouth.) Stevie! No! (She retrieves the weapon and returns it to the owner.) That was too close. Maybe it's time we got ourselves a secure gun cabinet. Looking for a childproof gun cabinet? Maybe you need one with more aggressive security features. Our JAWS model backs up its metal grip on your firearm with a powerful spring-loaded bite to make sure your child makes it to high school graduation. (The future. The proud parents see their son step forward to receive his high school diploma. Smiling, he reaches for the scroll with a prosthetic hand.) JAWS brand childproof cabinets. Better safe than sorry.
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© 2007, 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Justice Fund

Here in this land where justice is so cherished, it is all the more tragic for a victim to slip through the cracks of our legal system. After Timmy Lewis's show-and-tell idea was stolen by a popular TV program, his teachers and classmates thought he stole it from the TV. He tried to sue but all he had was his milk money and no one wanted to take his side against the TV. So ended the life of the youngest suicide on record and that's when we decided to do something about it by establishing the Justice Fund. Subscribe to the Justice Fund and if you end up against a wealthy adversary in a legal dispute, officials may withdraw their fees directly from the fund on your behalf - no questions asked - to make sure your case receives the attention it deserves. If you don't need it, well, I guess you'll just be helping America. Ask your local auto insurance dealer about the Justice Fund and let's all make sure poor Timmy didn't die for nothing. The Justice Fund ... because justice costs money.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Balogne Bulletin

I can see why Saturday Night Live need to steal my news bulletins. My news bulletins are just about the funniest things I write. But it's a good thing the media took offense especially to Jon Stewart's and Tina Fey's abuse of my news parodies because that was the only way I was ever going to get any kind of appropriate justice for the far more serious crime of stealing my work. The offenders who stole my news bulletins were punished in 2012 by the media for offending the media far more impressively than they have been punished since I learned about it and put a stop to it. In a statement from the ministry, the military insisted it did not seize poppy farms in Afghanistan for illicit purposes but merely to replenish the lawn at their Belgian cemetery. Lawyers say that a private citizen's case against the world's second largest corporation has been dismissed for lack of evidence. The man sued for hospital expenses after he stepped on a wire and was electrocuted during a popular television broadcast in front of millions of witnesses. To improve security, modern surveillance equipment is being installed in all college dorms. The contractor plans to use the post as a reward for his hardest working men. City Hall is experimenting with a softer, gentler style of law enforcement after more complaints of police brutality from drunks. Hostage takers will have to the count of ten to surrender before being shot and executioners must give at least one inch of slack when putting a neck in a noose. And you will no longer have to worry about separating plastic from paper for recycling, thanks to a new playing cards manufacturer's increased demand for paper with a smooth, glossy finish.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.