I Know All About It (April 9, 2017)

Hello again, my insatiably curious friends. I'm back a little early because of the overwhelming response we received from my last broadcast. I fear that now that we've opened the door to the raging whirlwind of cosmic enlightenment, we may never be strong enough to slam it back shut. Nonetheless, it is my sworn duty as a psychic to ask and answer as many questions for you as is possible. So why is poetry depressing? Let's begin our answer with another question, what do you do when you can't get a good job and you have no friends even though you are bright and talented? You write a poem with the desperate hope that you can forestall your suicide with the activity. I know all about it. And what kind of poems would an alcoholic English teacher prefer to share with a merciless roomful of thick and impetuous youth? Probably not a very happy one. Why do people wear clothes in hot countries? People wear clothes to reject their animality. Unlike animals, people know that they are not animals. We need to hide our reproductive organs and we demand total privacy to expel waste from our bodies. And if you're a man, don't joke around about menstruation with women or they'll menstruate all over your picture and send it to you for your birthday. I know all about it. Trust me, don't talk about menstruation. Don't even think about it. And why do bad songs appeal to good people? This age old question, which was first examined by ancient Hebrews in the Book of Job, has stumped thinkers all the way to the present. It seems to have no rhyme nor melody to it, but the answer is there if you look into it closely: drugs. The chemically induced public stupor of the 1970's, for example, turned out such timeless classics as Convoy and Shut Upya Face. I know all about it. And pharmaceutical advances since then promise to have us all soon dancing to the Christmas message from the Queen. I hope that satisfies your curiosity for now. Until next time, I'm Edgar Kreskin Junior saying, don't worry about the universe expanding until there no stars left in the sky. By then, we'll have finally learned how to reverse time.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.