I Know All About It

(This installment of We're All Dying is powered by Phallus. And the plastic face of the socket it plugs into was made in China.) Welcome to the very first broadcast of I Know All About It. If you've already heard from me, this is what my voice sounds like when I use my mouth to speak. With my ESP I can answer any question, but all anyone wants to know most of the time is which horse to bet on at the track. So to make sure that my talent doesn't go to waste, I've decided to ask your questions for you. Were we fathered by aliens? If we were, that's some deadbeat dad leaving us here to wonder about it. Let's not confuse children with pets. Children grow up to become equals to their parents but pets stay pets. I know all about it. They see us struggling with a complex intellectual problem and they think we look cute, like when a dog stands on his hind legs for a minute. As pets, however, we can at least be sure of their love. Why do movies prohibit sex but tolerate violence? The answer is quite simple: because people who don't get enough sex are violent. I know all about it. Unless you're like me and can drag a woman to your bed against her will with psychokinetic power whenever you need one, chances are that you will have a profound appetite for onscreen violence. Why is the moon hollow? This giant artificial sphere which orbits at perfect ninety degree angles to the sun was obviously cast using a planet as a mold. I know all about it. And I think it's high time we explored its dark side to find the seam. I hope that satisfies your thirst for knowledge. Until next time, I'm Edgar Kreskin Junior saying, relax! Whatever you think you're hiding from others is probably no worse than what they already think of you.
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© 2017. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.